True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
