I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
