Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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