i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
