She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
