Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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