mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
