Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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