there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
