I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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