my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
