Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
