Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
