if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
