My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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