to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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