Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
