Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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