dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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