my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
