come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
no, he came in my armpit
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
