Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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