so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
