I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
