evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
