Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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