Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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