I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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