just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
