just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
