How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
