Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
