so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
