So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
