I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
