I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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