Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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