Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
