Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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