the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
