My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
