dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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