I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
