Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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