So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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