he puts the penis in happiness.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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