There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
