The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
