My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
