OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
